Stop shouting you Oily Idiot
I got this fantastic email of a rather sweet business venture. I only wish he hadn't been so enthusiastic as to shout the whole thing.
And was the usual shite.
DEAR ONE,
PERMIT ME TO INFORM YOU OF MY DESIRE OF GOING INTO BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I GOT YOUR NAME AND CONTACT FROM A FRIEND WHO IS MEMBER OF YOUR SITE. I PRAYED OVER IT AND SELECTED YOUR NAME AMONG OTHER NAMES DUE TO IT'S ESTEEMING NATURE AND THE RECOMMENDATIONS GIVEN TO ME AS A REPUTABLE AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON I CAN DO BUSINESS WITH AND BY THEIR RECOMMENDATIONS I MUST NOT HESITATE TO CONFIDE IN YOU FOR THIS SIMPLE AND SINCERE BUSINESS.
I AM KINGSLEY OILY, THE ONLY CHILD OF LATE MR AND MRS EMMANUEL OILY, MY FATHER WAS A VERY WEALTHY COCOA MERCHANT BASED IN ABIDJAN, THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL OF IVORY COAST BEFORE HE WAS POISONED TO DEATH BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES ON ONE OF THEIR OUTING TO DISCUSS
ON A BUSINESS DEAL.
WHEN MY MOTHER DIED ON THE 21ST OCTOBER 2005, MY FATHER TOOK ME SO SPECIAL BECAUSE IAM MOTHERLESS. BEFORE THE DEATH OF MY FATHER ON 24TH JANUERY 2007 IN A PRIVATE HOSPITAL HERE IN ABIDJAN.
HE SECRETLY CALLED ME ON HIS BEDSIDE AND TOLD ME THAT HE HAS A SUM OF ($2 .OOO.OOO UNITED STATES DOLLARS) LEFT IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT IN A LOCAL BANK HERE IN ABIDJAN, THAT HE USED MY NAME AS HIS ONLY SON FOR THE NEXT OF KIN IN
DEPOSIT OF THE FUND.
HE ALSO EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT WAS BECAUSE OF THIS WEALTH THAT HE WAS POISONED BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, THAT I SHOULD SEEK FOR A FOREIGN PARTNER IN A COUNTRY OF MY CHOICE WHERE I WILL TRANSFER THIS MONEY AND USE IT FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSE ,(SUCH AS REAL
ESTATE MANAGEMENT). DEAR,I AM HONOURABLY SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS .
1) TO PROVIDE A BANK ACCOUNT WHERE THIS MONEY WOULD BE TRANSFERED.
2) TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND.
3) TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL PERMIT FOR ME IN YOUR COUNTRY. MOREOVER, DEAR, I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU 15% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS COMPENSATION FOR YOUR EFFORT INPUT AFTER
THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT OVERSEA.
FURTHERMORE, YOU CAN INDICATE YOUR OPTION TOWARDS ASSISTING ME AS I BELIEVE THAT THIS TRANSACTION WOULD BE CONCLUDED WITHIN SEVEN (7) DAYS YOU SIGNIFY INTEREST TO ASSIST ME.
ANTICIPATING HEARING FROM YOU SOON.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS.
BEST REGARDS.
KINGSLEY OILY
I'm picturing a whole room of sceptical people all coughing the word "Bullshit" into their fists. I am going to reply thusly.
Dear Kingsley,
Thank you so much for your communication. It has indeed arrived at a time of need and is the answer to both our prayers. I am very sorry to hear of your mother and father's deaths. It is truely a trying time for an only son. I have many debts and it would be foolish were I not to be willing to help you anyway I can. My building firm is currently in deficite and since my wife left me, taking the cars and the larger of the two homes, I have been living a very simple existence. Given my dire financial affairs, perhaps we could raise my percentage to closer to 35%, with an additional 5% going to a mutual trust to benefit some charities which are very dear to me. In our country both the brindled vole and the beige squirrel are suffering due to habitate destruction and I'm sure, with you coming here, you would wish your new environmental to flourish in all it's natural wonderment. If you could provide me with your BIC and IBAN codes, I can get my accountants to start proceedings with great haste.
God be with you.
Basildon Bond
And was the usual shite.
DEAR ONE,
PERMIT ME TO INFORM YOU OF MY DESIRE OF GOING INTO BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I GOT YOUR NAME AND CONTACT FROM A FRIEND WHO IS MEMBER OF YOUR SITE. I PRAYED OVER IT AND SELECTED YOUR NAME AMONG OTHER NAMES DUE TO IT'S ESTEEMING NATURE AND THE RECOMMENDATIONS GIVEN TO ME AS A REPUTABLE AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON I CAN DO BUSINESS WITH AND BY THEIR RECOMMENDATIONS I MUST NOT HESITATE TO CONFIDE IN YOU FOR THIS SIMPLE AND SINCERE BUSINESS.
I AM KINGSLEY OILY, THE ONLY CHILD OF LATE MR AND MRS EMMANUEL OILY, MY FATHER WAS A VERY WEALTHY COCOA MERCHANT BASED IN ABIDJAN, THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL OF IVORY COAST BEFORE HE WAS POISONED TO DEATH BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES ON ONE OF THEIR OUTING TO DISCUSS
ON A BUSINESS DEAL.
WHEN MY MOTHER DIED ON THE 21ST OCTOBER 2005, MY FATHER TOOK ME SO SPECIAL BECAUSE IAM MOTHERLESS. BEFORE THE DEATH OF MY FATHER ON 24TH JANUERY 2007 IN A PRIVATE HOSPITAL HERE IN ABIDJAN.
HE SECRETLY CALLED ME ON HIS BEDSIDE AND TOLD ME THAT HE HAS A SUM OF ($2 .OOO.OOO UNITED STATES DOLLARS) LEFT IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT IN A LOCAL BANK HERE IN ABIDJAN, THAT HE USED MY NAME AS HIS ONLY SON FOR THE NEXT OF KIN IN
DEPOSIT OF THE FUND.
HE ALSO EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT WAS BECAUSE OF THIS WEALTH THAT HE WAS POISONED BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, THAT I SHOULD SEEK FOR A FOREIGN PARTNER IN A COUNTRY OF MY CHOICE WHERE I WILL TRANSFER THIS MONEY AND USE IT FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSE ,(SUCH AS REAL
ESTATE MANAGEMENT). DEAR,I AM HONOURABLY SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS .
1) TO PROVIDE A BANK ACCOUNT WHERE THIS MONEY WOULD BE TRANSFERED.
2) TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND.
3) TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL PERMIT FOR ME IN YOUR COUNTRY. MOREOVER, DEAR, I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU 15% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS COMPENSATION FOR YOUR EFFORT INPUT AFTER
THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT OVERSEA.
FURTHERMORE, YOU CAN INDICATE YOUR OPTION TOWARDS ASSISTING ME AS I BELIEVE THAT THIS TRANSACTION WOULD BE CONCLUDED WITHIN SEVEN (7) DAYS YOU SIGNIFY INTEREST TO ASSIST ME.
ANTICIPATING HEARING FROM YOU SOON.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS.
BEST REGARDS.
KINGSLEY OILY
I'm picturing a whole room of sceptical people all coughing the word "Bullshit" into their fists. I am going to reply thusly.
Dear Kingsley,
Thank you so much for your communication. It has indeed arrived at a time of need and is the answer to both our prayers. I am very sorry to hear of your mother and father's deaths. It is truely a trying time for an only son. I have many debts and it would be foolish were I not to be willing to help you anyway I can. My building firm is currently in deficite and since my wife left me, taking the cars and the larger of the two homes, I have been living a very simple existence. Given my dire financial affairs, perhaps we could raise my percentage to closer to 35%, with an additional 5% going to a mutual trust to benefit some charities which are very dear to me. In our country both the brindled vole and the beige squirrel are suffering due to habitate destruction and I'm sure, with you coming here, you would wish your new environmental to flourish in all it's natural wonderment. If you could provide me with your BIC and IBAN codes, I can get my accountants to start proceedings with great haste.
God be with you.
Basildon Bond
posted by Panic Stricken at 11:00 pm
4 Comments:
You are quite, quite mad. I wouldn't give these morons the time of day, but 10/10 for composition.
LLLLooooLLLL
Only you would be able to respond in such way, Tocsin man!
By the way... can we still expect you in august?
big hug!
p.s. - visit and add www.onmystereo.blogspot.com
HAHAHAHA!!! Terribly funny!
You need to get a job, though...
xD
[]
Permission to use your reply for my lads? Oh -- never mind, I already sent the email. For fun, click here to see how many web pages include the phrase, "HE SECRETLY CALLED ME ON HIS BEDSIDE." That's how I found you.
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