Haggis last night was ritually slaughtered before a small but blood thirsty crowd. The following is a clipping from a completely fictitious newspaper.
Haggis disaster,
Death by discoThe naïve young haggis took to the decks with an optimism which out stripped his experience, and crowd control abilities, a recipe for humiliation. Opening with an eclectic and entertaining set he began to alienate his crowd as they revealed themselves as unforgiving and not fans of all things electro. One observer was heard to say “What’s this terrible noise, is this all he plays?” The small crowd had armed themselves with pitchforks and other rudimentary agricultural tools and were calling for him to be driven from the bar. This caused a deviation from the set where he played relentless guitar based indi music such as the Kills and Glitter Mini 9, but it was too late. They could not be appeased. After attempts to quell their anger, Haggis gave up and tried in vain to fight back with the advertised dark alternative electro mixture, the addictive strains of Seleenkrank worked well for him, but the crowd was once more angered.
DiscontentThere was some crowd discontent and someone’s foot was stood on during the affray. By the time Hocico and Soman had been played, the outcome was inevitable, a request for Bloc Party nearly broke the spirit of the young Haggis, revealing both CDs he pointed to the latest release whilst bellowing that “This is complete tripe, over manufactured attempts at epic emotional outpourings, have you no objectivity in what you listen too? Are you sheep? who are the dark forces who manipulated your tastes to such bilge”. Once the tranquiliser dart began to take effect he relented and normal service was resumed.
An elderly gentleman, armed with a scythe, said “normally I like to come in here for a quiet game of chess before going on to the next realm, but this music was too dark and too spooky even for me, and I know dark and spooky”.
TerrorA government spokesman for popular music said “This is the next step in the war against terror, things that make us afraid are our enemies and young men who play music favouring the minor chord are perpetrators of such feelings. This has to be dealt with, harsh music requires harsh response” In a statement President Bush said “We must classificatorilally these peoples who move through our world. Once we know who they be, we can remove them from society; just because you like short bread, doesn’t mean it’s ok to eat short bread, I think the people know what has to be done”. Haggis has been moved to a secure location where the government are debriefing him with potent drugs and electricity.
