I won the lottery!!! oh hang on, no I didn't...

Today I had this dren in my inbox.


Dear Winner,
Winning Notification
This is to notify you that you have won £850,000.00 in our
online email lottery in which e-mail addresses are picked
randomly by computerised balloting, powered by the Internet.
Your email address was amongst those chosen for this period.
Ticket no: 56475600545 188
Serial no: 5368/02
Winning number: 08.11.21.32.35.42. {47}
Draw (#1187)
To claim your prize, please contact:
Mr Robert Hache, Email:
providencedepartment@gmail.com +447031981852
Yours faithfully,
Howrey, Mary
Online Coordinator

I urge everyone to send this bugger an email, preferably with a huge attachment. This is the equivalent to putting dog poo through someone's letter box.
My only fear is that through my own cynicism, I will tear up a cheque or consign some huge wad of cash to the bin. I think it only becomes a concern when you transfer such thoughts to everyday acts of kindness, such as someone holding a door open for you, or offering you change and refusing to take the equivalent in other coinage. I don't mean in another currency, that would be weird. Anyway, if i get that paranoid I'm sure there are drugs available to slow the downward spiral.

Grease my palm my pretties?

I received this reply from Oily. Real bank, wrong phone number. Cunning!!! will write a reply today. once my brain gets creative. Might haggle to include the weasel and maybe the hills of the phroopf'nang where they live in commune.

Dearest Basildon Bond ,

Greetings to you how are you doing,please i wont you to go ahead to contact
the bank director where my late father deposited the fund and i will like us to be fast about this transfer ok.

I will like you to please try your possible best to call the bank director today so as you can be able to confirm from the bank to your satisfaction and then we can be able to proceed immediately since all the legal arrangement to transfer this money is ready, we dont need to waste any more time in this transaction. again, I will like you to hang all what ever you are doing for now and let us focus our full mind in this transaction so as in few days you can have this money in an account which you will provide to the bank.

Here is the contact of the bank :

Bank Name: Banque Atlantique.
Bank Adresse: Avenue du Genal de Gaulle,
Plateau 04, BP 1036, Abidjan 04 , Cte d'Ivoire
HOT LINE +225 6668 4995 ext 121
Fax: +225 212814204
Attn Dr. Kablan David ( Managing Director )
Acc/N〖 : 085/1174588080
Swift Code : ATCICIAB
Telex : 23834 BANKAT
bank e mail banqueatlantique01@yahoo.fr

Please try to call the bank director today and tell him that you are calling on my behalf that you are the person which I introduce to him as the new beneficiary to my late father's money which was deposited in their bank, with this statement, he will understand and recognise you and tell you their requirement to transfer this money into your account.

Mainwhile, I will like to send you phone number for me, to give to the bank your phone number first, so that the bank can call you and give you more information about my late father's depositor of this money and also we can be able to have short discusion on the investment of this money in your country because once you call me for good news that you have received this money in your account, then I will be coming over to your country and continue my education while you will be in charge of the investment of the money.

Thanks for your williness to assist me in this noble transaction. Actually, I solely and happily received your mail respond to my urgent request, thanks once again for your interest and williness to assist an orphan child like me in this noble transaction.

May God continue to bless you as you have signified your bossom interest to help me out from my bad situation.However, I wish you well, long life and prosperity.

Dear Basildon Bond,I beleive we can do something together and we can work together because God has given me a vision to proceed with you during my prayers, fasting and meditation with God. Well, I thank God for his direction because I know fully now that I am dealing with a rightful person, honest and trust worthy. You are free to come to my rescue dear Basildon Bond, I tried several times to call you today but it's very difficult for calling out from here since after the political crissis last year October 2006.

To tell you more about myself I am 158cm height, 58kg weight, brown eyes and black hair, I am 22 years old, I am presently residing hidden in a local Hotel down here for safety of my life because of the enemies, Nobody is helping me or taking care of me down here and I don't have any other relatives or friends down here and overseas, that's why I contacted you for maximum assistance in this noble transaction.

Today's morning, I sent a comprehensive letter to the director of international remittance unit of the bank where my late father deposited the money informing them that you shall be contacting them concerning my inheritance hence adequate attention should be given to you when you do so. As I am writing you now, the bank is already aware that I have appointed you my guardian who shall be overseeing my money and I am very certain that you should be able to contact the bank today, definitely, they would be responding to you in that capacity.

Having said this, I would most certainly appreciate if you do make contact with the bank here informing them of your desire to have my inherited money transfer to your nominated account, so that you would have me come over to settle with you there, because the bank director said that I cannot access or make a withdrawal from the account down here due to my father deposited the money in fixed deposit account for onward transfer before he died, according to the bank director he said that before we can access the money unless

Sincerely, if you could help me out as you promised me, franckly speaking I will always be of enough appreciations to you throughout my lifetime and I will always remember your goodness to me all the entire days of my life.

Please kindly send to me your photo and your family too immediately and a full informations about yourself, such as your occupation, marital status, positions, family background, direct telephone conatcts and fax, including your home address.

I promised to offer you 35 % commission of the total sum, provided you help me out from my situation and another 5% for any expense that you make during the entire of this transaction until the succesful end of it. Please call the bank immediately you receive this my mail, so that they can give you more details and proceedures because I don't have experience in banking procedures and international business.

Please advise as I am waiting urgently for your favourable good news to me right now.

Thanks and God bless you forever and ever for trying to help me out.
My Regards,

Kingsley..

Stop shouting you Oily Idiot

I got this fantastic email of a rather sweet business venture. I only wish he hadn't been so enthusiastic as to shout the whole thing.


And was the usual shite.


DEAR ONE,

PERMIT ME TO INFORM YOU OF MY DESIRE OF GOING INTO BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I GOT YOUR NAME AND CONTACT FROM A FRIEND WHO IS MEMBER OF YOUR SITE. I PRAYED OVER IT AND SELECTED YOUR NAME AMONG OTHER NAMES DUE TO IT'S ESTEEMING NATURE AND THE RECOMMENDATIONS GIVEN TO ME AS A REPUTABLE AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON I CAN DO BUSINESS WITH AND BY THEIR RECOMMENDATIONS I MUST NOT HESITATE TO CONFIDE IN YOU FOR THIS SIMPLE AND SINCERE BUSINESS.

I AM KINGSLEY OILY, THE ONLY CHILD OF LATE MR AND MRS EMMANUEL OILY, MY FATHER WAS A VERY WEALTHY COCOA MERCHANT BASED IN ABIDJAN, THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL OF IVORY COAST BEFORE HE WAS POISONED TO DEATH BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES ON ONE OF THEIR OUTING TO DISCUSS
ON A BUSINESS DEAL.

WHEN MY MOTHER DIED ON THE 21ST OCTOBER 2005, MY FATHER TOOK ME SO SPECIAL BECAUSE IAM MOTHERLESS. BEFORE THE DEATH OF MY FATHER ON 24TH JANUERY 2007 IN A PRIVATE HOSPITAL HERE IN ABIDJAN.

HE SECRETLY CALLED ME ON HIS BEDSIDE AND TOLD ME THAT HE HAS A SUM OF ($2 .OOO.OOO UNITED STATES DOLLARS) LEFT IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT IN A LOCAL BANK HERE IN ABIDJAN, THAT HE USED MY NAME AS HIS ONLY SON FOR THE NEXT OF KIN IN
DEPOSIT OF THE FUND.

HE ALSO EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT WAS BECAUSE OF THIS WEALTH THAT HE WAS POISONED BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, THAT I SHOULD SEEK FOR A FOREIGN PARTNER IN A COUNTRY OF MY CHOICE WHERE I WILL TRANSFER THIS MONEY AND USE IT FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSE ,(SUCH AS REAL
ESTATE MANAGEMENT). DEAR,I AM HONOURABLY SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS .

1) TO PROVIDE A BANK ACCOUNT WHERE THIS MONEY WOULD BE TRANSFERED.
2) TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND.

3) TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL PERMIT FOR ME IN YOUR COUNTRY. MOREOVER, DEAR, I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU 15% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS COMPENSATION FOR YOUR EFFORT INPUT AFTER
THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT OVERSEA.

FURTHERMORE, YOU CAN INDICATE YOUR OPTION TOWARDS ASSISTING ME AS I BELIEVE THAT THIS TRANSACTION WOULD BE CONCLUDED WITHIN SEVEN (7) DAYS YOU SIGNIFY INTEREST TO ASSIST ME.

ANTICIPATING HEARING FROM YOU SOON.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS.
BEST REGARDS.
KINGSLEY OILY

I'm picturing a whole room of sceptical people all coughing the word "Bullshit" into their fists. I am going to reply thusly.

Dear Kingsley,

Thank you so much for your communication. It has indeed arrived at a time of need and is the answer to both our prayers. I am very sorry to hear of your mother and father's deaths. It is truely a trying time for an only son. I have many debts and it would be foolish were I not to be willing to help you anyway I can. My building firm is currently in deficite and since my wife left me, taking the cars and the larger of the two homes, I have been living a very simple existence. Given my dire financial affairs, perhaps we could raise my percentage to closer to 35%, with an additional 5% going to a mutual trust to benefit some charities which are very dear to me. In our country both the brindled vole and the beige squirrel are suffering due to habitate destruction and I'm sure, with you coming here, you would wish your new environmental to flourish in all it's natural wonderment. If you could provide me with your BIC and IBAN codes, I can get my accountants to start proceedings with great haste.

God be with you.

Basildon Bond

Trapped in Cabinets...

So, this week I have mainly been in the kitchen. Rebuilding it...
It's a small south facing room, unpleasantly long with lots of features strategically placed to screw up the placement of any standard kitchen cupboard. We have a waste water pipe that travels about 2 metres along the wall elevating at about 10 degrees. This is at the height you would normally have the base of the unit. Meaning I have to cut a slot out of the bloody thing. The next thing we had was a cold water stop cock which stuck out right where the washing machine was going. So I had to move that. Not being able to swim, I panic a little about water, which begs the question "Why was I so determined to relocate the sink?". So I had to do more plumbing stuff. Seems ok, but I am still wearing water wings.
Tonight I used a router and a circular saw. The router was fine, lots of dust but well behaved. The saw was a teeny bit scary. Images of slicing through fingers etc etc. I have also worked out how much work top I need to cover all the surfaces. Apparently 6 metres. So a little nervous of making cock up as I ordered two 3 metres lengths. Not a lot to allow for errors there...
Tomorrow I get to hack more out of the back of a cupboard for the main water supply key.
Dreams are back to normal, I got brutually murdered this morning as I slept for an extra hour.

Dream dream dream

Ok normally I have slightly odd dreams. And they do have a tendency towards darkness. So last night, after spending the evening nailing together drawer assemblies for meu mai and her new kitchen, I get to bed and dream sweet lovely dreams of finding a guinea pig (although its ears were long) and trying to find his owner. It was all very sweet and nice. I can only assume the Sandman was confused and got some dreams mixed up. Which means some poor sod out there got the crap that I’m accustomed to which is all free association with random animals, being brutally murdered, or being brutally murdered by random animals.

He was such a nice guinea pig.

As I said, the full Gandalf

I guess it's my own fault for mentioning it but:



I actually think it's a good look, but what do I know? I like brogues and corduroy.
Now, ebay for a staff and a white horse...

Graduation

Yesterday was a busy day.
In the morning I finally got around to graduating and got to wear this fantastic robe.

Sadly I did not have a staff, nor did I have a beard. This would have looked stunning as the full Gandalf.
In the evening SB and I went to see My Bloody Valentine who were very good except the horrible horrible noise of the last track. I left after about four minutes into it as it was more abuse than entertainment at this point. They were very good up to this point though.